Sometimes I get scared, and then nervous, and then depressed. Scared because I will say or do something wrong, and then all the other feelings follow. I ask myself, how do I find confidence in God without letting my pride slip under as extra support?
I ask myself that as I'm standing here now, watching as three black children smile up at me innocently. Two of them are brother and sister. One of them is their cousin. It all started off as I expected. They wanted to build a sword out of cement bricks, breaking the bricks into sand-like pieces and placing the pieces into a rectangle mold. The sword never resembled a sword to me, but I could see their childish imagination igniting in their eyes, just as it had for me long ago.
They tell me to follow them around a corner, after the sword has been frustratingly tossed aside. Naturally, I follow to make sure they don't get hurt. And the encounter that I believed would lighten my heart suddenly brings it to a sudden halt. With the same smile he had given me before, one of the boys pulls out an imaginary stash. Slowly bringing his thumb and index finger up to his lips, he takes an imaginary puff and closes his eyes with such intensity. The other boy follows suit, and the girl asks the first boy to pass the drug to her. All I did was watch, partly stunned, as I followed their small hands, to their lips, and then watched as they cringed their bodies in a rush they claim they learned from their brother...
I wish I could stand up and tell them to stop, but then I think of what their parents would say if they saw me scolding their children outside. I ask myself if there is a golden solution to handling social situations because I seem to consistently fail at saying the right things at the right time. And amidst all of this, I realize that God is my source of strength, and that with a child-like faith, anything is possible.
Someday I know I'll do more than simply watch as three children accept smoking weed as a natural event. Someday I'll let go of the world and never look back.
This post is a bit overdue given i've been back in Austin for over a week now...
Kerrville Folk Festival 2007
I actually really enjoy going to camps alone. For someone like me, you really need to push me to take social risks... like talking to strangers, and going to camps alone does exactly that. Of course, it becomes a little more difficult to fit in when everyone around you seems to be in a group. Compared to past camp experiences, however, everyone around me was on average much more friendly than i expected. If there's any motto this camp had, it's the phrase all the volunteers said to me as i walked through the camp grounds: "Welcome Home".
I guess what I'm taking the most out of this experience is a more refined approach to songwriting. Being with all the songwriters made me realize just how much of an amateur i am. What it also did, however, was inspire me to hone my songwriting craft. I realized I actually really want to work on this hobby/ability. It's definitely something I want to have throughout my life.
It was also good to hear about the struggles up and rising singer songwriters are having from the singer songwriters themselves. As to whether or not i'm closer to figuring out whether or not music is for me, Kerrville Folk Festival definitely didn't serve as that "defining experience" I find myself looking for. What's also been on my mind lately is what God wants me to do with my life. Two major determinants of His will with your life are (1) the talents and (2) the opportunities you have. Durham is a city with a strong cultural voice that is hindered by the great divide of race, wealth, and education in my point of view. I feel like so much could be done to unite the campus and city, but fear among students hinders that harmony. Nevertheless, i'm hoping to do some kind of work to bridge that divide in my stay at Duke. But with situations like this, it makes me wonder what God is telling me as far as what to do with my life goes. Duke is a great preprofessional school. That's why I came and my parents sent me here in the first place. It's just hard to choose when you are torn between two equally viable opportunities.
Anyway, back to the music.
The songwriters who really stood out to me:
Anthony Da Costa
This kid is incredible. 16 years old and already 5 CDs. He went on to win the New Folk Competition at Kerrville this year. If you don't have a particular liking to folk music but want to start listening to it, definitely start here.
Steve Seskin
A veteran Nashville songwriter. He's written award winning songs for Tim McGraw, Faith Hill, and Kenny Chesney. He was one of the workshop leaders this year and just blew me away with his knowledge of songwriting craft. Listen to the lyrics of his songs and you'll know what i mean.
Jason Spooner
A previous New Folk winner at Kerrville. He's got really chill music. a very cathartic-in-a-badass-way feel.
Terri Hendrix
How do we experience that supernatural power in our daily lives and ministries?
And I want you to understand that it's not how well you live.
The answer and the key to you living a life that is pleasing to God is not in how well you live. Did you live a life that is pleasing to God today? Did you live a life that is not pleasing to God today? That is NOT how it works.
But rather, the answer to how to live a life pleasing to God, having victory over sin is found in not how well you live, but how much you allow Christ to live HIS life through you.
- Matt Carter, Austin Stone (9/10/06)
On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. (John 14:20)
for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. (Romans 3:23-24)
These verses blow my mind. They're the topic of a podcast from Austin Stone I heard after being goaded into it by Tiffany and Leslie for quite some time now. The Message comes from 9/3/2006, titled "'In' Our New Identity", preached by Matt Carter.
It's funny because lately I feel like I'm learning Christianity all over again after being brought up in it for more than 18 years now... Nevertheless, I'm going to say this is a good thing because each day brings a new lesson learned, and this time the lessons are actually sticking.
So, going in the order of points that have led up to my current belief, it started with realizing:
(1) I am a sinner in that I see so many flaws in my personality and approach to life. In the past, this has only led to cynicism and a continuous circle of goals never reached.
(2) I find peace with my foibles by reading what the Bible has to say. By reading what the Bible says about how I should live my life, I find peace in the person I'd be by doing so.
These two points were firmly established during the Intervarsity rec week I attended a couple weeks back. There's a crucial piece to being a Christian I've been missing, however, and it has largely to do with the verses I've mentioned above.
It's been hard to come to full belief in God and Christianity because I've been doubting the power and nature of who Jesus is. Coming from the Intervarsity rec week, I was determined to change my life, but something I failed to see was how Christianity revolves around Jesus. I mean, it's obvious when you realize his name takes up the root of the religion's name, but you can see where I'm coming from. I had been reading passages dealing with the morality of Christianity - how to forgive your enemies, the fault of greed and selfishness etc. And so somewhere in my mind I came to think that by getting rid of all these things through prayer and sheer will power, I could become the Christian I deemed fit for full belief and service. By doing so, I was also hoping that God would become more real to me than ever before.
Matt Carter gives an anecdote that rings true with this fact about me. It was a story that portrayed the fact that our relationship with God is extremely similar to our relationship with our fathers. And I guess for me, the times I feel my father has been the most grateful is when I win an award or do something that stands out (in a good way of course). Naturally, I felt that by trying my best to have a pure heart, God would be pleased with me.
After struggling with this for a few days now, I've learned the last point that brings it all together:
(3) it is only by asking God to take over and enter into your life that God may be pleased with you, just as he is pleased when he looks at his own Son - Jesus - a man who led a perfect life.
That's really what Christianity is all about. Sure, the argument can be made that all religions are created to help you live a "better" life, but this one point distinguishes Christianity from the rest.
I've been struggling with the question of "what would it take to finally lead worship with the right heart?" for a while now. After talking with Billy, who leads worship for Intervarsity back at Duke, I came to agreement with him that it all starts with humility. The question to make, then, was "how do I live a humble life?". As I mentioned before, I've been trying to overcome this self-centeredness of mine through my own power, all to no avail. What it really comes down to is (1) seeing that everything you have comes from God and (2) allowing God to take over your life. It is still possible that you can believe in (1) without letting (2) happen. True humbleness, however, comes from deciding to let (2) enter into your life.
Looking back over what I just read, I don't think the point was portrayed as eloquently as Matt Carter put it, so def check out the Austin Stone podcast if you have the time!
These things are just like bigger shrimp but twice the mess... i liked the personal potato and corn that comes with it though.
Today I feel I've accomplished something, simply because I feel more Texan than I've ever been in my life.
Things that happened that justifies this:
(1) seeing the biggest pot belly in my life. I wish I could've taken a picture, but that would've been really awkward...
(2) listening to 4 hours of live folk music.
(3) seeing more fully grown beards on over 50 year old men all in one audience than I've ever seen before...
(4) Meeting a man named Bucko (or at least that's what I remember. Regardless, his name was two syllables with "o" taking up one of them, which is noteworthy enough).
(5) Being the only Asian in the 20 mile (at least) vicinity. <-- i think this point can be argued as far as why this would make me more "Texan".
(6) Driving by 5+ peach stands on the same highway.
Anyway, pictures will most probably come at the end of the festival. I'm pretty excited about all of this though. It should be a great learning experience. I really admire the friendship of this place too. The first thing the volunteers say to you is "Welcome Home" as you enter the gates. I guess I should add that to my list of reasons why i'm Texan at heart.
The main points I got from this book are:
(1) the artist makes a body of work and this body of work shows his world view.
(2) Christians should make art that embodies the Christian world view.
(3) No work of art is more important than the Christian's own life.
The reason behind my interest in this topic is that I've always been hesitant about what it would be like if I were to give up music to God. Would it mean all I could do is write worship songs? Am I severely limited if I give up music to God?
For instance, I have a song that started off with a chord progression that was "scandalous" (for lack of better words to describe it). From there I came up with some lyrics that matched the emotion. It's a song about a man who goes to Vegas and accidentally falls in love with a prostitute, playing off Vegas' motto, the song is called "What Happens Here Stays". In the Christian context, is writing songs like this appropriate and acceptable?
I think Schaeffer's essays answer that question pretty well. I'm hesitant to say his ideas can be applied to ALL artists out there, but for me, I agree that the body of work I create should reflect my world view on things. And as a Christian, I should portray the Christian world view. Schaeffer makes it clear, however, that Christian art does not necessarily limit art to religious themes and topics. The Christian world view is a combination of Christian morality, the fall of man, and (most importantly) the salvation of man through Christ. Love between a man and a woman is very much apart of God's creation, and therefore, is appropriate for Christian art.
Another point to make is that if I were to truly believe in God and realize who he is and what he has given me, I should gladly give in return everything in me - including music. The last of the three points touches on this fact. Art begins with the way you live your life, and for me, music should be a reflection of that change.
McGrath makes some interesting points about doubt and faith in his book "Doubting". Skimming back through the book, some major points I got from his work are:
(1) doubt is part of our frailty as human beings, not a result of skepticism or unbelief
(2) Those who begin their walk with doubts will end with certainties in their faith.
(3) doubt shows our continuing need for grace and snaps us out of our complacency with God
(4) faith is the channel through which God's grace flows to us.
(5) mankind seeks certainty, but God cannot be conclusively proven or disproved
(6) Both Christianity and Atheism require faith.
(7) Faith is not belief without proof but trust without reservations - trust in a God who has shown himself worthy of that trust
(8) Faith is the result of trust, understanding, and obedience in God.
(9) Faith needs the vitality of experience if it is to live - and the support of understanding if it is to survive.
(10) our reluctance to accept the gospel wholeheartedly with the enthusiasm of little children, reflects a basic lack of trust in God and his promises.
(11) By believing or not believing, we open ourselves to different rewards. Yet these rewards are only gained by commitment.
(12) doubt and faith are both states of mind or attitudes.
(13) We have to live with the fact that we will not, on earth, see the full picture, and for that very reason we will have to put up with areas of experience that seem contradictory and confused.
(14) For the moment, we must walk through the "darkness" with faith and hope, but God will be with you, traveling alongside you and lighting your path.
(15) God's faithfulness is like an anchor at sea - he gives us direction and stability in life.
(16) Jesus' crucification shows God's overwhelming love for us and his commitment to us.
(17) Our culture today has certain inbuilt assumptions, which it assumes to be self-evidently correct.
(18) veneration of doubt and excoriation of commitment within our culture do not mean that the gospel is wrong.
(19) The hopes that modernity had brought - triumph of reason and science, which many thought would usher in peace, prosperity and progress - have failed in just about every aspect.
(20) The human dilemma remains the same - the need to be loved, the need to have hope in the face of death, the need to break free from sin.
(21) The Gospel addresses all of these issues and goes on to set us free from them through God.
(22) We ought to ground our faith in the promises of God recorded in Scripture, and confirmed in Jesus Christ - not the way we feel.
(23) Faith is saying "yes" to God, and learning to trust in him, to know him better and to be obedient to him.
(24) Your salvation does not depend on the strength of your faith, but on the power of the one in whom you believe.
(25) You shouldn't think of God's gifts as some kind of ornament, there just to decorate you and make you a more interesting person. They are there to be used in building up the people of God and furthering his kingdom.
(26) Faith increases through being used, through being put into action in God's service.
(27) The gospel challenges the values of the world. It affirms the existence and importance of a different set of values - the values of the kingdom of God.
(28) At the heart of the gospel are the themes of forgiveness and renewal.
(29) Think of Jesus as an event rather than just a person.
(30) Jesus is the agent of salvation, the one through whom God worked and still works.
(31) His teaching points to the need to value God, to obey him and to ensure that nothing comes before him.
(32) The existence of God is disclosed by his search for us and ultimately by his encounter with his.
This book really spoke to me through how it was so applicable to my life. One of the biggest problems i've realized in my approach to Christianity is a faith too focused on a feeling. As a kid, I always enjoyed the sunday worship and fellowship, while I reluctantly attended sunday school. The passages we read were nice, but sitting for an hour overanalyzing them just killed my interest in anything related to the Bible. I always thought this is what the other kids were thinking as well, so i found no reason to change my approach to finding and understanding God. Seeing as i'm here, talking about hitting a rut for more than a year. It's pretty obvious that this approach to Christianity is 180 degrees in the wrong direction.
The rut I've been stuck in for the past year is a culmination of many things, i've realized. Largely it was the result of professors and other students I respect denouncing Christianity as a "fool's religion", and their adamant beliefs easily rubbed off onto my own. Combine these scientific and rational doubts with my deepening confusion of how to find God, and what you get is a very skeptical, but more importantly cynical, me.
McGrath stresses an alternative approach - a faith built on the promises of God. My first year at Duke has been a great ride without a doubt. If there's anything I've learned, however, it's that I can't sustain myself through the fire and obstacles of what's to come. It's this exact thought that really hit me at Rockbridge. At one point, i was so overwhelmed by everything that was happening/had happened that I ended up skipping my track for that day and hiked a 1-2 mile trail at the camp grounds. At the end of the hike, I sat in the gazebo overlooking the lake and opened the Bible since I happened to have it on me.
Promises. Of hope and healing and peace were what overwhelmingly hit me as I read through the Bible. It's a feeling of joy and peace that i've never really experienced before (or at least i haven't experienced in a while)...
Anyway, I think i'm straying away from what i've gotten out of McGrath's book. Basically, the logic behind Christianity is that as humans, we are weak and frail and are sinners. It is through God that we may not only be forgiven for our sins, but through his power he will bring us peace by helping us prevent these sins in our lives. As far as understanding God goes, what you need to realize is just who God is. As humans, we need to see that God is beyond comprehension. We can't simplify or anthropomorphise God into a figure looming over the clouds, watching us as we go about our daily lives. Whether it be tough scientific questions or just a lack of feeling God that you may be experiencing, you need to remember who God is and what he promises for your life. That's really what it all comes down to. And trust that God will fulfill his promises.
Given that I understand I am a sinner and that the Bible brings me peace in resolving/overcoming my sins, what I still struggle with is question (2) of my first post: Do I believe there is a God out there?
The response of "God is simply too big for us to comprehend and understand" is often unacceptable for scientific questions atheists pose. The truth, however, is that God really is bigger than our science, bigger than our minds. That's exactly how the Bible describes him. It's not a skape goat answer at all. How, then, do we know God is out there and even exists for that matter? I brought this question up to one of my once atheist, now Christian friends. Her response startled me in that she said there were too many things that she saw God in for her to give me a straightforward response. Through his creation, and through the actions and love of people are two things I remember her specifically saying. McGrath goes on to prove God's existence through God's search for US. The confirmation of God's existence is found when we are overwhelmed by his love and grace.
So I guess it's all kinda coming together for me now... I still have a lot to think about to reach full belief. And I suppose the questions I'm now trying to answer are:
(1) in what ways can God be proved and disproved with science and reason?
(2) what is Christian art?
(3) how can I truly humble myself and begin living with the standard of the Kingdom of God?
I've never been the blogging type. I've had a few xanga accounts that have come and gone. And don't get me wrong, I value the concept behind it all, but it's really a matter of me being too lazy to sit down every day and type out what i've been thinking about. Hopefully this will be the start of something new (and more importantly, lasting)... This blog is probably more for myself anyway, since i'll be living in rural Texas for 3 weeks this summer and will be thinking a good deal, but feel free to read about my random ramblings and (hopefully) coming-of-age through the summer.
This year at Duke has certainly come and gone before I knew it. I've learned alot from my experiences, and I'm missing my friends at Duke already. At the same time, though, I look at who I imagine myself as come senior year and compare that to myself right now, and I feel that sense of urgency I've always had throughout my life - that push to become my image of perfection that has never been (and may never be) reached. I mentioned that hopefully there will be a coming-of-age this summer, and this "problem" mindset has alot to do with that. The impetus behind this whole "system reconstruction" of mine is when some of my friends pointed out how I was wrongly applying this "perfection" mindset onto others. If I don't see talent in others or see that same sense of drive and passion, I don't value or respect them as much... And I'm not sure if i've gotten any further with coming to peace with this situation, but I do realize that (1) for myself, this mindset is no good and it is still possible to progress without this kind of motivation, and (2) for others, this kind of judgment is unkind, pretentious and unethical even.
I'd like to consider myself a practical guy. I see a problem, and once the problem is realized I start thinking of the most logical solution. It becomes a little more difficult, however, when the problem has to do with a subconscious act of my own, and the simplest doubt can lead me to question my whole work ethic and motivation, my goals, and if I have anything right in life at all. There is one solution I've come up with, however, and it begins with humbleness...
That's where Christianity comes in. Throughout the year i've been a very peripheral Intervarsity (IV) Fellowship member. I'd actively participate in the fellowship events, but belief has always held me back from becoming something more. Since Senior year in high school i've been stuck in the same rut... the rut of the "21st century mind" I guess you could call it. Things I remember telling other members in IV when this conversation came up are "I want it to click" and "I need to be able to defend it" (it being Christianity). "I want to really believe in something if I believe in it" is also something I remember saying... And I guess all these statements were made under the ignorant assumption that science and 21st century technology has the power to concretely disprove statements made by the Bible. After all, can I really believe that all of morality is explained by our original ancestors being coaxed into eating a potent fruit? Pretty much every scientist states our planet is millions of years old, and yet the Bible rings it up to only a few thousand... Anyway, these were only a couple of the skeptical questions I had about Christianity. After more than a year, it was obvious that I wasn't making any progress with this rut upon personal reflection. I was just parked on the same religious state and went off to work on college things (homework, research, etc). I still had the same judgmental mindset of myself and others, and life was consistently a series of goals never reached.
It pretty much kept on like this until about a week ago at an Intervarsity retreat called Rockbridge. To be honest, I ended up going because I already bought a ticket home for May 12th (a week after finals ended) because I planned on either going to the retreat or Myrtle Beach. Rockbridge seemed like a more comfortable place to me though, so I jumped on board and happily went with all the other IVers from school.
Lukewarm is the first word that comes to mind off the top of my head... Based on the first day, I wasn't really "feeling" the worship, bible study wasn't any different from what i've experienced before, and ultimately I began telling myself I probably shouldn't have come in the first place. It's funny how "God" can still get a message across despite the many ungodly motivations i had that week. To make a long story short, certain events that occurred between me and a good friend brought down a pretty big hammer on my life, which ultimately resulted in this huge phase of self reflection. What I also found myself doing, however, was turning to the Bible for guidance. And for the first time in my life, it seemed like I was finally getting at what Christianity has always been about. During that time, I established a new image of who I wanted to be 3 years down the line, this one based off of the teachings of the Bible, and a great sense of peace hit me, just for a moment. It was then that I realized all this thought about the contentious parts of the Bible made me forget about the key points - the basics of Christianity. I ended up asking myself three questions:
(1) Do I believe I sin?
(2) Do I believe there is a God who can save me from my sins?
(3) Am I willing to give everything in me to this God?
At this point in my life I can say yes to (1). (2) I can't say yes confidently to, and (3) is currently a solid no. Steps are being taken though. I'm reading a book called "Doubting" by Alister McGrath which is making some good points... I suppose the next post will be an overview of the book + my reflections of it. Ultimately, being at Rockbridge helped me catch a glipse of the power of the Bible. There are still many pieces to pick up if I'm to figure everything I hope to figure out this summer... it's late though, so i'll call it a day.
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grace said:
that was a long post but something caught my attention and i scanned it. =) sounds like a neato camp. read more
on Welcome Home. -
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Samuel Chang said:
that doesn't sound like a good thing, about the crack i mean. get that fixed real soon. read more
on Talk the talk, Walk the Two-step like a Texan should. -
nato said:
... using a cannon in D chord progression!! :P lol j/k<-- would like to meet up and chat sometime sir!... read more
on You're the reason why I sing...
where was this? read more
on Confidence